Kevin Campbell On 5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change

Find a creative outlet. Mine was songwriting. It helped me see what positive steps that I was taking and creating something from my sadness brought me joy.

The world seems to be reeling from one crisis to another. We’ve experienced a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, political and social turmoil. Then there are personal traumas that people are dealing with, such as the loss of a loved one, health issues, unemployment, divorce or the loss of a job.

Coping with change can be traumatic as it often affects every part of our lives.

How do you deal with loss or change in your life? What coping strategies can you use? Do you ignore them and just push through, or do you use specific techniques?

In this series called “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change” we are interviewing successful people who were able to heal after a difficult life change such as the loss of a loved one, loss of a job, or other personal hardships. We are also talking to Wellness experts, Therapists, and Mental Health Professionals who can share lessons from their experience and research.

As a part of this interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Kevin Campbell.

Kevin Campbell, a singer- songwriter and former actor, writer and director in the TV and film industry, found himself writing his most personal album to date after the death of his girlfriend of 22 years. He channeled his pain into his sixth album “The Stages, an exploration of his grief ad metamorphosis. Recorded at Good Luck Studios in Chapel Hill and produced by Jon Shain, the album seamlessly weaves together blues, soul, jazz, folk, country and R$B, creating a cohesive and emotionally resonant musical journey through the seven stages of grief.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Before we start, our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us a bit about your childhood backstory?

Thanks for having me! I grew up in northern Virginia. I was very active in sports (football, basketball and track), but I always wanted to express my artistic side. I played piano a little bit and was very involved in the art club in high school. I found myself the most passionate in my 6th grade guitar class. I took to the instrument quickly and won “first chair” and every challenge against other students in my class.

Then one day, a remark I made to another student in class that I thought was witty, got me suspended and put in the last chair for the remainder of the year. Wounded, the incident led me to temporarily abandon my musical pursuits. Undeterred, I embarked on a diverse path that saw me transition from being an athlete, to a professional mascot, and eventually to an actor and filmmaker with projects like Nacho.com. During this period while shopping for furniture in a Montgomery Ward, I came across a floor model guitar in terrible condition and decided I would learn to play guitar again.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?

A friend gave me a little framed sign about 30 years ago that said, “ You can’t steal second base with your foot on first”. That has always stuck with me, even when not in the forefront of my mind. Take the risk. Strive for something. I’ve always had and when I haven’t I’ve regretted it.

You have been blessed with much success. In your opinion, what are the top three qualities that you possess that have helped you accomplish so much? If you can, please share a story or example for each.

I think one of my top qualities is finishing what I’ve started. If I’m talking about it, I’m doing it and if I’m doing it I’m finishing it. It’s really simple, but doubt and fear will derail most efforts. I just know that if I finish I will learn more from my efforts than from not finishing.

I’m very good with words. I feel I have a way of expressing through words that aren’t flowery or obtuse, but straight forward and plain spoken. Although below the directness there is meaning and emotion.

My third quality is probably my drive to improve in all aspects of my life, whether it’s song writing or being a better human, I put the work in. Meditation, journaling, asking questions, reading and trying are all part of my daily existence.

Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘Healing after Loss’. Do you feel comfortable sharing with our readers about your dramatic loss or life change?

After just sitting down to eat dinner on June 16th, 2021 I received a call that my girlfriend of 22 years, Melissa Kobe, died from heat stroke while hiking the Pacific Coast Trail. She was an adventurer and an amazing photographer. Hiking the entire Pacific Coast Trail was a big dream for her.

We were kids when we met in an acting class in 1999. We literally grew up together. She was with me when I bought my first guitar and encouraged my songwriting. I was with her when she bought her first camera. I watched her go from photography classes to a sought after event photographer all over the Los Angeles area.

Losing her made me question everything about my life. It was like the rug was pulled out from under me. Every moment of our life together was dissected and questioned by me for a long time after. Mostly, I was just lost. The fog of grief is heavy and I just couldn’t see a way out.

What was the scariest part of that event? What did you think was the worst thing that could happen to you?

The scariest part for me was the thought of living the rest of my life alone without her. We had a routine, we had goals, we had each other’s ears and most importantly we had each other’s backs. I told her things I had never told anyone else. Who would I do that with now? I was alone.

I didn’t think about the worst thing that could happen to me after she died, because the worst thing that could have happened to me was her dying.

How did you react in the short term?

Well when she died, in addition to my grief, my bills doubled and my chores doubled. So I had to work, though my concentration was nonexistent. I did the best I could. I tried to say yes to friends that invited me to things. I took long walks with my dog. I read grief books and started journaling. I kept “our” house spotless and went on long runs. Honestly, nothing I did in those early days truly helped, but I did develop routines that kept me above water and would be my foundation when I started to feel like myself again.

After the dust settled, what coping mechanisms did you use?

I was always a daily meditator, so I leaned on that the most. I needed a way to control my thoughts. I began journaling for the first time after reading some grief books friends had given me. I decided to not drink alcohol alone because that felt like a slippery slope with all of the pain I was in.

Eventually, I returned to my biggest passion in life, songwriting. I started to put my experiences with grief into song and that led to the creation of my album The Stages. Each new song I wrote was a look into how far I had come in my healing process.

Can you share with us how you were eventually able to heal and “let go” of the negative aspects of that event?

I tried to make peace with my loss in our shared home in Los Angeles. I realized after 10 months that moving somewhere new and going for a fresh start would be the best plan of action for me, so I moved to Raleigh NC. I had hopes of playing a lot of music, which worked out for me. Being busy playing shows, gave me something to look forward to. Being in a city where I knew no one and no one knew the pain I’d been through was helpful.

In my own grief journey, I found writing to be cathartic. Did you engage in any writing during that time, such as journaling, poetry, or writing letters? If yes, we’d love to hear about any stories or examples.

I wrote a whole album about my grief called The Stages. The Stages represent the stages of grief and metamorphosis I went through. The seven songs were written at different points of my healing journey and express how I was handling it all. I also journaled daily so I’d have somewhere to release my thoughts. It was also helpful to look back after some months to see how far I’d come.

Aside from letting go, what did you do to create an internal, emotional shift to feel better?

I can honestly say that I didn’t actively try to feel better. Feeling better felt like an impossible task, so I leaned into my grief. I felt it. I experienced it. If you asked me how I was doing, I told you as raw and honestly as possible. I felt that if I avoided my grief it would mess me up down the road. I took long walks with my dog and just got lost in my thoughts. I talked to Melissa on these walks. I apologized to her for everything I did wrong, I expressed my anger at what I thought she did to me. Then one day I decided to stop litigating the past and to move forward with my life in a way that she would be proud of me.

Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to cope and heal? Can you share a story about that?

My dad would talk to me about his experience with losing his wife, my mom. In the early days, these talks let me know that one day I would accept this loss and make sense of it. I’ve heard it said that an additional stage of grief is finding meaning. Before my mom died, I wasn’t as close to my dad. Almost all of our communication was through my mom. After she died, I started calling him regularly to check in on him and he would text me good luck before my shows, just like my mom did. The meaning I found after my mom died was that I would get to know my father better. My dad and I wouldn’t be nearly as close as were are now if my mom was still alive, so having him help me through my grief is a full circle moment for me.

Were you able to eventually reframe the consequences and turn it into a positive situation? Can you explain how you did that?

The album I wrote The Stages, is my need to make something beautiful out of my loss and honor the relationship that Melissa and I had. Each song gave me insight and perspective into the different experiences grief gave me. Each phase and moment I experienced and overcame was not easy. But music is something I love and gives voice to my emotions. The final song on the album, “Cocoon”, has a line in it that says, “I hope something beautiful comes from this.” My album The Stages is my attempt to make something beautiful and make sense of a devastating situation in my life. Also, I hope that this album can help someone else going through something similar. After Melissa died, so many people that had lost someone close to them reached out to me and I’ll never forget their kindness. This album is me paying that kindness forward.

What did you learn about yourself from this very difficult experience? Can you please explain with a story or example?

I learned that I can make something beautiful out of a bad situation. I learned that all of the things I did prior to Melissa dying, exercise, songwriting and meditation served me well. I learned that so many people loved and cared about me and that I could pay forward the kindness that was shown to me.

Based on your experiences and knowledge, what advice would you give others to help them get through a difficult life challenge? What are your “5 Things You Need To Heal After a Dramatic Loss Or Life Change?

I would tell people to lean on their family and friends for support. The 5 things that helped me heal were,

1. Asking for help. There were so many tasks I had to complete and so many things that I didn’t have the energy or the mindset to do.
2. Journal. Your thoughts have to go somewhere and it’s not easy to dump all of your feelings on someone. And practicing gratitude helped me realize there were still great things happening in my life.
3. Get outside. Walking my dog gave me a chance to get fresh air and remember good times I had with Melissa.
4. Exercise. Exhausting my body helped to clear my mind.
5. Find a creative outlet. Mine was songwriting. It helped me see what positive steps that I was taking and creating something from my sadness brought me joy.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be?

I would inspire people not to shy away from other people’s grief. Grief is lonely and people going through it need support and someone there for them. Don’t be afraid to reach out on them, check in and listen. There is something beautiful about grief, that one only realizes when going through it. You learn that you’re stronger than you ever thought. You realize how many people love you. You also make sense of your wrongs and you go forward with a new determination to be a better person. No one wants to go through grief, but people need to know that they can manage it.

We are very blessed that some very prominent names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them. :-)

I would love to have a lunch with Smokey Robinson. He’s my favorite songwriter and I would love to pick his brain about his process and have him critique some of my songs.

How can our readers further follow your work online?

They can listen to my music wherever they stream music under the name Kevin Campbell. My new album The Stages is streaming everywhere. They can also go to www.kevincampbellmusic.com

Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!